Defensiveness is one of Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and needs to be identified and eradicated at all costs. Defensiveness isn't cute. It will destroy your relationship.
Defensiveness leads to disconnection. It twists normal conflict from being an opportunity for connection and growth into an escalating cyclone of unresolved conflict. The antidote for defensiveness, or you could say the opposite of defensiveness is accepting responsibility.
Three common ways we defend ourselves.
- We flat DENY it. NOPE, “I didn’t do that.” NO, YOU’RE WRONG. Think windshield wipers to rain. Nothing is sticking...
- We turn it back on our spouse. “You do that too…” The reversal. You onlly thought you were talking about me...
- We implode. “I’m such a horrible person...I don’t know why you stay with me.” Basically we get our spouse to second guess whether they should ever confront us again...
LISTENING to UNDERSTAND and ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY, neither come natural. Especially if we perceive our partner to be attacking us. When we feel attacked we usually only listen to RESPOND. If you find yourself responding you are probably DEFENDING.
In an argument most of us we can only listen to one voice at a time. Either we are listening to the person talking to us or we are listening to the internal voice that is trying to prepare our DEFENSE. Be more invested in understanding your spouse’s perspective than explaining yours.
Seek the KERNEL of TRUTH. Make a commitment to to try to find the thing your spouse is saying that is truthful, that is correct, find the piece you can agree with and vocalize it. It’s amazing how when you validate your spouse’s perspective the “problem” seems to spontaneously disappear. However when we find ourselves EXPLAINING those small and potentially inconsequential things become MAJOR problems.
When we defend ourselves rather than accept responsibility for our actions we make MOUNTAINS out of MOLE HILLS. The opposite would be when we accept responsibility for our actions rather than defend ourselves we make MOLE HILLS out of MOUNTAINS.
When we defend ourselves rather than accept responsibility for our actions we make MOUNTAINS out of MOLE HILLS. The opposite would be when we accept responsibility for our actions rather than defend ourselves we make MOLE HILLS out of MOUNTAINS.
I learned from David Burns, M.D. author of The Feeling Good Handbook the idea of the acceptance paradox. It goes something like this...when something is said about us that is totally false but we defend ourselves we actually prove it true. Vice versa when something is said about us that is totally false but we agree with it, we put the lie to it and prove it false. For example if someone attacks me and tells me that I'm a horrible listener. IF I argue trying to prove how I'm a good listener I am, in fact I tell them when I met Kerri my AOL screen name was ImAListenr...I'm proving that I'm a pretty bad listener. However if I agree with the statement and say...you know you're right, I often get distracted and really struggle to listen. The accusation has been rendered useless.
No one becomes a bigger person when they defend themselves.
As the old saying goes...he who slings mud loses ground.
So does the one who defends himself when mud is being slung...
Don’t forget to say sorry. If you screwed up. Admit it. Owning our mistakes and saying we’re sorry puts us on the path to reconnection. - Sam
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